3/17/2018

Dear Stuart,

It's St. Patrick's Day! We never do anything for St. Patrick's Day, but I am wearing some green. 

It's only 2pm but it felt fine time to write. And I have the ability now, to just do things on my own schedule. It is a blessing but feels like a curse. I guess that makes it a learning experience... or a new perspective... or just a time.

I poached an egg today! I think it came out alright, except I was too excited and made it much too long before my desire to eat it. I eventually gave in to just eating it, 45 mins later, and the yolk was a good runny, but the whites were firm and cold and it overall was kinda tasteless. Anyways, it made me think of you and smile. :)

Much of my conflict here at home revolves around me feeling guilty for not being more a part of the family unit. As with roommates, I find it hard to share space because it involves many people to keep in consideration. I realized today that a lot of my desire to organize the kitchen may not come from me being a "control freak" (I'm biased...), but instead just trying to solve the problem (messiness and disorder) instead of adding to it (shoving cans and bags and boxes precariously on the unorganized shelves). Right? I'm right, right?

In a larger way, I think these frustrations come from a belief that I'm doing the right thing mixed with a number of other peoples beliefs that they're doing the right thing. For instance, my mom probably believes that she's doing the right thing by pouring herself and her energy into other, "more important" things, my dad believes he's doing the right thing by just "letting it go" and focusing on other things. Luke, well, Luke's at the stage where he's more worried about school, girls, abs, hockey, abs, etc. than to even think about it. And undoubtedly, he believes that focusing on himself in those ways is doing the right thing. And maybe it is! Maybe they are all right!

So now this leaves me stuck, frustrated, and alone, wanting to discuss this core of the matter but being shut down by my busy and skeptical family who all believe they are doing the right thing. Being right is very, very isolating. For everyone.

So what do I do? Do I also just "let it go" and try not to let it get to me? Do I constantly bring it up and nag? Do I just keep fixing it until I leave?

This is why I have trouble with roommates. :(

I want to be better! I want to know how to do it the right way! But I feel like my family is so stuck in their ways and too busy to try changing it that it may never be resolved. This is a small example of a bigger issue of being home without purpose, feeling misunderstood and not listened to, and then feeling guilty about my callousness because my family provides so much for me (even though part of that providing is also a reason I feel frustrated. I like doing things myself sometimes). Help!

I guess one of the reasons I bring all this up to you is to help you understand my thought processes. I talk a lot and bring up my feelings a lot and it makes things messy and confusing sometimes, especially when I feel so unsure of what I want or what I want to say, but it's all in an effort to help you understand where I'm coming from. I don't want to be a control freak or super perfect and disciplined, but I do want to be able to talk about things and share in ideas and thoughts so we don't get stuck in our ways, stuck in certain ideas of each other (aka, she's a control freak and she doesn't like oil, lol). I really hate being boiled down to specific philosophies or habits or likes/dislikes because I never feel like it's a fair representation of me. I personally see everything as case-by-case. I like things organized, but there are days when I don't care. I like pizza, but there are days that I don't want it (seriously). There are so few things that I want, need, like, feel up for ALL THE TIME. You know what I mean? 

Anyways, thanks for listening to the long, long, long, long ramble. I love you so much and miss you dearly. Everything makes me think of you. I had a memory today about us scraping off the burnt bottoms of those almond cookies for Bounty and Soul. Hahahahahha.

I love youuuu Stuuuuuu!

Emily <3