3/16/2018

Dear Stuart,

I didn't get my nature dose today. The day felt long, tiresome, and lazy. I still haven't changed out of my pjs since 2 nights ago. That kind of gives you an idea of the wallowing. Boo.

My uncertainty and insecurity about what is next for me is being spotlighted by all this time all of a sudden. I guess I just assumed that I'd bounce right back into routine and schedule and purpose, but after you left I suddenly felt very, very useless. I miss you, by the way.

We went through a bunch of paperwork at my grandpa's today. Photos, receipts, letters, newspaper clippings, etc. I get overwhelmed looking at all he's done, all he's learned, all he's helped. This kind of stuff adds to the mini existential crisis, and after only a couple hours I feel agitated, restless, and I just want to come back to you and carry food on trays and move forward.

The past few days I've spent too much time looking up low FODMAP recipes and dreaming about when I can eat bread and garlic again. I napped in my car for an hour today while I waited for my mom to come let me into Nonno's house. I drove to Chestnut Ridge and looked at the skyline and said a prayer and mostly thanked God for you, you beautiful beautiful human.

I hope you know how much I love you. I really, really do.

Big hugs and kisses on the lips (!),

Emily :)