3/15/2018

Dear Stuart,

Here we are again.

I want to say today was miserable but that's not completely true. 

Iris said that it's good that I'm exploring right now. Today was a good reminder that the "exploring" phase of life can be endless and exhausting though. So when do I stop exploring and settle down? Find my place? Stick my flag in the dirt and appropriate everything around me? 

My stomach hurt and the whole day has been cut with a mild but throbbing depression. I spent a lot of time online trying to figure out more about IBS and the FODMAP diet, only to find too many opinions and no real reliable sources. I'm yearning for creative outlet but not able to find my way to it. I'm not going or coming or even in between. I'm just here.

I went to my grandpa's today and was useless. I sat in his study, surrounded by all the books on the ground that Zach had organized by category, and just cried. There's so much.

I came home shortly after and slept. I have been sleeping ever since pretty much, with the exception of dinner and a solid hour and a half of my dad reading me online articles about IBS to only further confuse and frustrate me. He was trying to help.

I'm realizing that I need nature. I have been so far away for so long. The stress, discontentment and hypnotic quality of ads and stores and business has absorbed me these past few weeks and I'm yearning for peace, solitude, and fresh air. But I can't get it because I feel too cold and tired and sad, and it's still winter for a long, long time.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. A day like this I wish to turn to prayer and trust in God. I just feel so terrible and helpless and pathetic... and now guilty, too. I miss my Nonno.

I love you Stuart! I'm sorry to be so sad.

Love,

Emily