2/06/2018

Dear Stuart,

In all the days I've written to you, I've never worried about running out of things to say. That seems like a miniature phenomenon. What the heck do I ALWAYS have to talk about?

Today.

It started with a good exercise in Letting Go, where I was placed in a beautiful kitchen and stocked pantry and fridge, full of things that I had no desire to eat. There was oatmeal and boxed eggs and apples. There was whole milk and sugary fake-healthy cereals. There were crackers and lots of nut butters, much of which I've been subsisting on while home. There was no more coffee left. There was frozen fruit from Mexico.

I found myself getting really frustrated and irritated. That led to deep guilt-- what a bratty thing to feel! This led to sadness and confusion... I wish I felt one way but I feel another. Then I realized, 'Oooo! Here's a moment I could "let go"!' And so I breathed and I tried and it kinda worked. I made a peanut butter and warmed-up-frozen-fruit wrap which was more filling than I thought it would be and it tasted ok. It's fine! I'm letting go! It really was pretty good. 

(It put my stomach in a weird bloat-y-but-still-hungry state all day. But it's fine! Really, it is.)

The day went on with little ups and downs but steadily hovered around "ok". I went to Guercio's, a super Italian grocery store downtown that my Nonno and I used to go to. I spent too much money picking up nostalgic snacks and treats for him (us); I guess it was like food souvenirs. Then when I brought it all over I remembered how different it is now, how his appetite is slim to none and food no longer brings him much joy. It was disappointing, mostly me being disappointed in myself. How could I forget that? I got wrapped up in my own nostalgia and excitement and impulse bought too much squid ink spaghetti and taralli. Ugh.  

I dropped off some more rocks to Thin Ice today and picked up a pretty nice check! It felt good to earn money in that way, more so than usual. 

When I came home around 8:15 pm I wondered what to do. Not that there wasn't a lot I could do, just not a lot I wanted to. I get this feeling towards the end of the day sometimes, and in these moments I miss you more than usual. When there's two people it's easier to sit and just sit and not think than when you're by yourself. Or, when I'm by myself.

I listened to a interview today with Nadia Bolz-Weber, a Lutheran minister in Denver. It was intriguing and made me feel and question and squint a lot. Sometimes I feel like the more I learn and am exposed to, the more unsure and inadequate I feel. 

But that's not going to stop me from learning and going, that's just an observation. 

Anyways, I hope I'm not too rambly and blah. I hate to be blah-y, I really do, but today was kinda blah-y. I wish I was more even-steven, chill-yeah-its-cool-I'm-chillin-no-worries-you-good kind of a person. 

BUT, "we're better than we think and not as good as we want to be."

I love you my dippy, creamy, pecano punkin pie. Why am I crying right now. Ugh.

xoxoxo,

Emily