2/13/2018

Dear Stuart,

Well. This new posting schedule is going to take some adjusting to! The day has whizzed by and it's almost 6pm. So much for a morning letter!

But it's ok. I talked with YOU this morning instead and would never trade that for any silly letter thing.

Yesterday feels so far away now. It was an emotional day starting at 6:30am when I woke up to do online patient portal paperwork (say that 5 times fast) for my gastroenterology visit. I left my house around 7:30am (yes, I was early) and made it in time for yet another doctor's office to take my information and my photo and my vitals and my money.

I was so tired and sad and frustrated when I got home I fell asleep, and then woke up in a fog (also in jeans and a sweater vest) and hurriedly rushed around to finish some things before I went to my Nonno's. We quickly ate lunch and started to prepare him for the doctor's office. I was feeling weepy, and when my grandpa asked, "So what's new with you?" I broke down a little and vomited all these words about feeling frustrated and stressed and sad to be far away from you and my friends and my home, or the place I plan to return to and someday have a home. Ack, it was all a cascading string of words followed by a rush of extreme guilt and then a barrel of quick reassurance that it's not his fault. It's really not.

At the doctor's office I sat outside in the waiting room instead of going in and started to read Mr. Sciacca's book. I suddenly felt a wave of inspiration to stop reading and just pray, like actually try to pray. So I bent over in the chair, face in my hands, and I attempted. I fell into a deep state of something peaceful, until a man came over to ask, "Ma'am, are you ok?"

The rest of the day was ok. I actually found joy and inspiration and some peace of mind. In an attempt to keep my grandpa awake, I took out an old painting I had started in his basement and together we analytically looked at it, making imprecise measurements with our fingers and pencils, and I started to rework it. He dozes a bit, and mumbles some information about his prayer and bible groups, and then I cooked venison steak and warmed up our pizza and between that and a small salad we had ourselves a feast. 

I didn't expect to come home to a box from Stuart-in-Joy but ah! He's too good! After cutting some leather with Dad I sat on my bed and gushed from the middle of my heart out all the wonderful feelings of gratitude and joy and love and tenderness and guilt ("ugh! I don't send him enough!") and sacrificed the chance of lesser sleep for the ability to talk with you through the Evil Blue Light of my telephone. Luckily, I slept despite it. I am so endlessly grateful to have you as my teammate-partner-boyfriend-friend-lover. I love you so so much, THANK YOU for the joy you bring me everyday! Chocolate or no chocolate!! xoxoxox

Emily :)