1/31/2018

Dear Stuart,

Today is a Blue Moon, SuperMoon, and the Lunar Eclipse. It's also the last day of January and the 31st day of the Year. It's Wednesday, or "Hump Day", or Miércoles. It's undoubtedly millions of people birthdays, anniversaries, funerals. It's a Day that never has been before and never will be again. And of all those things to draw from, none of them gave me much inspiration.

 It was another one of those days that went up and down, up and down. I wore my underwear backwards by accident.  The panty liner read "When no one thinks you can, you have to." Be it a lame cliché (it is), I thought it might help me feel motivated. I unofficially call those panty quotes "liner notes", by the way. Get it?

I'm not sure I want to bore you with every monotonous detail of the day, but it began around 8:50am with the Search for Breakfast. Anything but oatmeal. We had everything for oatmeal and nothing else (ok, boxed egg whites. And bread containing SUGAR). I nibbled on crackers and peanut butter and then made a semi-gross smoothie from the frozen fruit we had in the freezer. The brand was "Wyman's of Maine" but it was Product of Mexico. What gives?!

I had a meeting at 1pm today to go over my Roth IRA stuff. The woman I met with works with my mom, and she practically gave me Celeb status. "It is SO good to finally meet you!", she said, "I have been following all your adventures for YEARS!" Ha! 

Because of the meeting I arrived at Nonno's 40 minutes later than usual but 20 minutes before he was expecting me. My mom's car was in the driveway... weird. Turns out that the 30 minutes Nonno was unattended resulted in him slipping off his chair and landing on the ground, unable to get up. "I didn't fall," he kept correcting me. "I slid". 

Not sure if it was lack of satisfying breakfast, increased ankle pain, Nonno's "slide", or none of the above, but I just couldn't get myself IN today. I was cold and I was tired. I was sad and I felt angry. I punched the air and screamed at the top of my lungs in the car. Then my throat hurt. 

Eventually it changed though. We started to watch a movie on TCM that wasn't any good, Nonno proposed a glass of wine, I cuddled up in a beat-up teddy bear blanket and I missed you so much. My mind kept going through options of how I could see you before February 24th/ 25th but there's no feasible ones. What a strange feeling! There are always so many options for everything, unless you want to be immediately near someone who's far away. Then there's none. I should just Be Here Now I kept telling myself. Be here now.

Now it's 10:30pm and I'm still cold and tired but I'm so close to sleep. I don't have plans for tomorrow but there's a lot of things to do. I want to call you but only because I want to be nearby. Words in the phone space just don't cut it, even if John Green thinks otherwise.

I ask myself this: Is what you're doing right now empowering you?

The answer I came up with is Yes, just not right now. And I have decided that that is ok. That's the right answer. 

Is what you're doing right now empowering you?

I love you so much Stuart, I miss you muchly, and I'm so excited to put my arms around you I might even cry. An empowering cry, that is. :)

Love you,

Emily :)