1/25/2018

Dear Stuart,

Well, you already saw me greasy and gross this morning and heard me worked up and frustrated this evening. I told you that these next few months I may not be my best self. 

Making the cookies and energy-ball-batter this morning (and cleaning up after), calling around for a cassata cake, packing all the spices and ingredients for the dinner tomorrow, packing my computer and card-making stuff plus my uke (Nonno and I were going to sing Happy Birthday- he on harmonica and me on uke)... it somehow took up the whole morning. I rushed to get a shower in but a life-changing shower it was. It may be weird and gross, but I like going for a while without showering (if I have nowhere important to be) because of how GOOD it feels to then shower. It's like warming up by a fire after a day of being out in the cold, or drinking cold water after running in the heat of the day. It becomes A Shower, instead of just a shower. Ya know?

By the time I was driving to Nonno's I was freshly showered with my fresh hot Wicked Lob tee, sun shining and David Byrne yelling about burning down a house. Windows open! I just wanted to share the joy and energy of the moment. I'm glad it translated. :)

I found myself once again in a spinning mind-fuck (excuse me) about my own ability to manage time, prioritize duty, balance art. I never took much to History class but I remember a way of torture they used in Medieval times where they would attach a person's arms and legs to four different horses (I think), one at each appendage, and then they would call the horses to run in four different directions; supposedly tearing the body parts away from the torso. I a little bit felt like the concept of that today-- ok actually that's extreme-- but I felt like a watered down Millennial version of that (four different browsers playing four different online radio station ads AT ONCE?!?). Feeling painfully torn in so many different directions and as if I couldn't move forward with any single one of them. I've performed this torture method on myself before, several times, and each time it happens I tend to beat myself up for not learning from it the LAST time. But there are just so many ever-changing variables that I feel like each time I don't actually learn anything, other than that I DO this to myself, a lot. Ugh. I'm just like my mom! It's a trap!

I had a long and disquieting (yet engaging) conversation with my grandpa tonight about having kids, finding fulfillment, "settling down", balancing, I guess. It sent my mind into a different ominous spiral about The Future. Need. To. Let. Go.

I think you can tell how my brain has been on overdrive lately just by the length and meandering themes of these posts. The day was a rollercoaster and I thought a lot about a lot and now it's time to be horizontal and stop it.

I like rollercoasters, by the way. 

I love you SO much, my grounding partner!

Emily :)

PS. My tea bag today said, "One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning." Damn Traditional Medicinals. Damn!