1/19/2018

Dear Stuart,

One year and 12 hours ago I was sitting in my car, telling myself I wasn't nervous yet overanalyzing my choice of earrings. Do the handmade ones make me look childish? Are the dreamcatcher ones bright enough? If I wear the gold cows can I still wear silver rings?

And here we are. I luckily chose the right earrings and you chose the right shirt... whatever it was. I have so enjoyed this year with you; from sunrises to sunsets to eclipses, middle-of-the-night workouts (:D) to middle-of-the-day dancing, freezing cold skinny dips to steamy hot showers, breakfast desserts to melty Parkway ice cream, beignets to salads; from foraging to camping and from cooking to canning... every moment of each day we were together was full of life and energy and gratitude. You constantly amaze me by the ways in which you show up in this world. I can't believe that one year ago I wasn't sure if you were just Another Nice Guy or The Man of My Dreams.

Today my grandfather and I watched the sun set from the car in the parking lot of Hoak's Restaurant. It smelled like fish fry. "Just a few minutes now and it'll be dipping into the water," my grandpa said off-handedly, but I really liked that. What if the sun went underwater while we were asleep, and lit up the oceans?

We didn't say much today. His aid stayed for lunch and she jabbered away. During dinner Nonno put on the news, and after dinner he wanted to watch Tucker Carlson on Fox. I cannot stand Tucker Carlson; and so I let Nonno know that I would be in the other room reading. "Let's watch something else then," he suggested. I tried to engage him in something other than TV; maybe some old photo books? Or an excerpt from this book I'm reading? But he wasn't up to it. "Let's just watch the movie."

I am recognizing some frustration in me stemming from my inability to spend time with my grandpa that way that I want to, the way that we used to. But I kept reminding myself today that I am blessed to have had that kind of time together, those memories, and now our time is just different. I can't live in the past. As Doc from Fraggle Rock puts it, "Things don't just disappear. They change, and change, and change again." 

As we spend more years together, Stuart, we will change and change and change again. That's kind of scary right? But in the constant waves of change that time brings, I feel a comfort and ease in our love. It may change, but I feel certain that it will not flicker, and certainly never disappear. How many ways can I say it?! Gee, it never feels like enough. I'm so grateful, so overjoyed, so full and so in love. I can't wait to see what we do together this year!

Love,
Emily