1/17/2018

Dear Stuart,

I'm not going to miss writing to you today just because I feel a whole-body sadness. We went to the Abbey of the Genesee in Piffard, NY today. This is where my Nonno studies as a layman; a vocation he was drawn to after my Nonna died. 

The whole day was amazing and beautiful and somehow just out of my reach of embracing. I felt like I was floating above myself today; I couldn't concentrate or engage, I could just watch it happen and wish I was there. Does that make any sense?

My grandpa pushed himself to make today happen. He was uncomfortable, ashamed, exhausted, but he smiled and he prayed and he showed up. He was there. I am so humbled.

I can't change how I feel. I noticed joyful things; the sun shining, my grandfather smiling, sitting inside the chapel of the Abbey which is totally gorgeous. Eating dry sourdough bread at a diner, sharing dry puff crackers and pretzels with my mom in the back seat of her car. The woman at The Abbey gift shop forewarned, as we were making future plans, "We don't have tomorrow, only today." I am blessed, I participated, AND I am sad. But I had a today!

I love you Stuart. I know it is hard for you to be away, and I know you want to help. You are helping though, believe me. You don't have to do anything else.

Love,

Emily