1/13/2018

Dear Stuart,

I don't feel particularly inspired today even though I had so much good. Every swelling joy had a twinge of annoyance in it; our FaceTime first thing this morning was nice, but I was sad by the distance. I suppose it felt a little more teasing today than satisfying.

I called Carla back after we hung up since I just missed seeing my family. We talked for a few minutes while I made breakfast and then I immediately hung up with her to catch up with my friend Sam who moved to Thailand. 

Talking with Sam was perhaps my highlight for the day. We hadn't talked in probably two years so it was really fun to catch each other up and recall old memories. By the time we hung up I was feeling really happy; but it started to fade into disappointment and sadness that we were so far away. Everyone feels so far away right now.

Lunch with my aunt and my mom was sweet. The Pho was tasty, but didn't meet the hype for me. Which is ok; the point was to spend time talking and connecting with family, and that we did. I think I was wishing the conversation was richer or felt more engaging though. I did learn that my aunt loves spicy pickled green beans. The highlight was how tickled my aunt was that my leftovers fit perfectly into the container I brought. "It was meant to be!," she said.

I'm realizing that so many things that I love-- things that are familiar and comfortable-- I can only have through screens right now. Which, I know, is a huge privilege. But today it doesn't feel like enough. I went to church with my Nonno and daydreamed about a big giant party outside, on a warm sunny day, full of all the people I love and all the time to sit and talk with all of them. There are so many people in my life that I love so much it makes my heart actually hurt sometimes. Don't worry; I love you the most.

It's funny, reading back on this now, that I felt so connected with everyone across the screen from me but couldn't quite connect with the people across the table today. Sometimes it just doesn't line up I guess.

"Did you read a lot of books when you were younger?," I asked my grandpa today. He replied, "Some, when I was an undergraduate. But I really didn't have a lot of free time." "Did you ever wish you had more free time?," I asked. "I don't know," he said. "I never really thought about it."

I think about things so much. I wish I could stop sometimes.

I love you Stuart, I cannot wait to be with you again, screenless!

xoxo,

Emily